I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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