dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
