First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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