it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
