I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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