just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
NoShamevember. You game?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
