Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
