Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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