Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
