operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
