not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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