the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
