Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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