took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
