The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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