Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
