Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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