it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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