these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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