your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
