Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
