i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
