John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
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Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
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I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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