Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
