how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
