I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
