he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
nutella sex= disaster
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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