Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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