Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Less talking, more tequila
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
