I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
