I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
