I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
