just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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