Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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