just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
