I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
