I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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