i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
not ubering you a puppy
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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