Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
