if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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