i just had sex bonerless
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Bring me that man meat
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
