I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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