It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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