apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
