Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am one with the molecules
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
