Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
