you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
