It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
