You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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