I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
