I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
