Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
