She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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