I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
