Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
