pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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